


pulang

by earthtogauva



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Break Up, Falling Out of Love, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, POV First Person, Post-Break Up, Song fic, Swearing, angst without happy ending, bad week equals bad feelings equals to projecting, i know a week ago i made matsuhana fluff but listen, im so sorry i love them a lot okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:27:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26199319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earthtogauva/pseuds/earthtogauva
Summary: pu·lang(verb)Malay,return, come home.PleasePlease come back homeI miss your dear faceYour sweetest of smiles, my love.
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei
Comments: 9
Kudos: 17





	pulang

**Author's Note:**

> do listen to [this](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5XxS6G9uIjhMy76emNh8if?si=bTIv5f5VQu6Rit8YR7mrhg) , it helps set the mood!!

_ Tolong _

_ Tolonglah pulang _

_ Kurindu wajahmu _

_ Senyuman manismu sayang. _

_ Please _

_ Please come back home _

_ I miss your dear face _

_ Your sweetest of smiles, my love. _

I don’t know how it started.

I didn’t even see it coming.

Hell, I actually did.

Fleeting touches, short kisses goodbye. You don’t even look me in the eye anymore when we talk. We would end up arguing more than talking, but the only emotion I ever see is smouldering anger in your once full of love eyes. You’d snap, I’d snap, we could never get a proper conversation going between us anymore.

Where did it all go wrong?

I still remember your angelic smile accompanied by a hearty laugh. It made me so,  _ so  _ warm, knowing I was making you laugh with such joy.

I can’t remember how it looks like now, though. I only see scowls and sneers and a frown painting your pretty face.

We used to be so in love, you know?

Our hands grazed each other and we’d be giddy. I loved holding your face in my palms watching you nuzzle against them, face in content. How you’d fake pout when I tease you, calling me ‘an asshole from hell itself’. 

You always loved it when I’d cook, drooling when the smell from the pan wafts to your nose. Slipping your arms around my waist, chin resting on my shoulder. You’d hum into my ear, telling me to add more salt even though you haven’t tasted the food. Or you’d take huge bites of freshly baked goods and burn your mouth. I’ll always call you an idiot but kiss you to make you feel better.

The first time we got together, we were so madly in love. 

Peppering kisses on every open skin on and off court, winks and flirtatious remarks back to back (grossed out everyone else but hey, it was fun).

The way your pristine skin flustered when I mumbled an ‘I love you’ with a tight hug. 

The way you’d toss your head back with a loud chortle, eyes tearing at something incredibly stupid I had joked about. You hung your arms around my neck, pecking my cheek whilst calling me hilarious.

Now, all you do is call me insufferable.

We used to link hands like new couples in love. Even though it made you embarrassed, you wouldn’t keep a smile off your face as we strolled on our date. You would nitpick my outfit before we left but I think you were more distracted by being close to me. It was intoxicating, having you close to me. I could sit and stare at you for hours and hours on end. Nothing could hold a candle to you; you were my love and dream.

I just wonder why we started falling out.

Maybe we got too comfortable with each other. Maybe we decided ‘hey, perhaps it’s time to show them more of me than I’d show others’. It’s not wrong at all but it should’ve warned us of the storm brewing.

Little habits of yours annoyed the fuck out of me, and habits of mine got you so extremely frustrated. I’d pinpoint all your mistakes from not watering the plants to forgetting to buy paper and you’d burst into fury, yelling about how you in that moment forgot but it wasn’t a big deal, so why was I making it one?

Or that time I waited for you to come home for our weekly movie night and you promised to be home soon. I didn’t see you until an hour before midnight. We got into another argument on whether or not you were really working or just idling to not come home to me. 

That was our first big fight with a lot of name calling and accusations. You wondered if I even trusted you. I shot back, “Do you even love me anymore?”. I grabbed a hold of your arm demanding an explanation and you thrashed, swinging it violently until it hit the glass vase we got as a housewarming gift when we moved in together, smashing it to smithereens. 

We went to bed angry and bitter, my mouth dry from insulting you. We slept separately, you in our room and me in the living room. Come next morning, you slinked up to me apologizing, eyes puffy and swollen from crying last night. I kissed your tears that threatened to spill away, apologizing as well. 

We cleaned up and smiles were given to each other, yet something felt amiss. As if we broke a barrier never meant to be broken. As if we were walking around each other in shoes without soles on broken glass. It was suffocating to say the least, but I swallowed that feeling down, dismissing it as a useless feeling.

It was only the start though.

Since our first fights, menial things became the source to our arguments: shoes left upturned, toilet seat left down, no one bought the correct groceries. 

It was as if being in the same room ignited an emotion so foreign in me but now I associate with you. We could barely listen to one another, I know you wanted to but anything I say in my lilting and sarcastic tone riled you up even more. It was just so easy to see you mad that I reveled in it. Call me sadistic, but it was a battle of who could get the other more irritable every night.

I hated it, to be honest. Fighting was tiring, emotionally draining. I just wanted to hold you close and stop spitting venom. But you were drifting further and further away with every word and I  _ let  _ you. 

We used to be able to toss jibes and teasing insults without a care but now you respond to my tease with a bite so sharp it could cut through a cold stick of butter. All your jokes seem to be more hurtful, more intending to make me suffer than it was before. All mirth was gone and now we only know one thing: pain.

So when you asked for a breakup, I shouldn’t have been surprised, but it still hurt.

You asked for a breakup after a particularly nasty fight in which we both exchanged a lot of unwanted words. I think we even got slightly physical; I grabbed your shirt while spitting profanities. 

We both backed into a corner and tried to calm ourselves down, but the damage was done. You made your way to me, hand on my knee and a broken expression on your face.

“We can’t do this anymore. All the fighting, the arguments. We should’ve seen this coming and  _ fuck  _ it hurts but I can’t keep fighting anymore. I’m tired. We’re not in love anymore, Issei.”

I caressed your tear stained cheek. I didn’t want you to go but this was horrible for both of us. I silently sobbed as I watched you pack your things.

_ Don’t go, please let’s fix this. _

_ I love you,  _ please.

_ Hiro, don’t give up now, we can start again. _

All these words I’ve spat at you and I can’t even say these simple ones. Laughable, really. You gave the apartment a once-over before giving me a hug, and all emotion I’ve pent up washed over me like a waterfall. 

I held you tight, sobbing into your shoulder, begging you not to leave. I think you were crying, too. You shook your head, lifted mine and placed a longing kiss on my chapped lips, a faint smile painting yours. I felt every ounce of love you had for me in that final kiss.

“When we’re better,” you said in a shaky voice, thumbs tracing my jaw. “When we’re emotionally better, we can try again, okay? Just not now, not like this.”

And I never heard from you again.

I experienced the 5 stages of grief all at once: denying what just happened, angry that you left and that I  _ let you _ , bargaining over the fact of my own stupidity, wondering if I should really continue doing anything at all. 

I say all 5, but I could never accept what just happened. I kept replaying every scene of which I did wrong, of where I could’ve shut up and actually fucking listened for once, of where I could’ve said I’m sorry instead of insisting I’m right.

I still live in the apartment, although everything of yours is cleared and gone. But it still isn’t the same. I replaced everything that reminded me of you yet you wouldn’t leave my thoughts. I miss your long lanky legs entangling with mine as we wake up on a lazy Saturday morning, how the bed has been dented with the shape of you. 

The way your baking would waft the entire apartment and make me envision eating your pastries. How the fridge looks barren without photos littering the body because ‘you wanna treasure every moment, ya know?’ I miss how warm your hugs made me feel and how your kisses spark fire in me.

I miss you, Hanamaki Takahiro. I miss your face, your smile, the curves of your body, the fluff of your soft hair, the pads of your fingers on my own body, your loving teasing and most of all, I miss your love for me. 

I miss the way your laugh could make my entire day, or one voice message could keep me going on. I miss how you know what to say to calm me down, where to hold and touch to make me safe. 

Loving you is so,  _ so _ painful. Saying goodbye was even more painful. I can’t go on if you’re not here. All our memories - the painful ones, the sweetest ones- I’ll never forget. 

So if you’re out there, waiting and healing;

Please, come home to me.

Please.

**Author's Note:**

> w e l l  
> projecting is the best way to be rid of feelings people  
> i love matsuhana so much but yes it is time to hurt!!  
> [Click here for the translated lyrics of the first song, Pulang by Insomniacks!!](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.musixmatch.com/lyrics/Insomniacks/Pulang/translation/english/amp)
> 
> i hope you guys enjoyed this fic, and a huge thank you to [Min](https://twitter.com/minappletea?s=20) and [Amber](https://twitter.com/spikyiwaizumi?s=20) for proof reading and helping me out at like 2-3 am lmao i love you guys so much! <33
> 
> You guys can find me on [my Twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/moontogauva) , I rlly love interacting with everyone please don't be shy! <3  
> as always i hope you liked my writing, don't be afraid to drop a kudo or a comment!! <33333


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